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Happy Cynical Mother's Day!

So, we give mom a day. No matter the age of her children, she gets a day. No wait. Kind of like ten hours of… No wait. Okay six hours. Uh. No wait. Okay, four hours? Not happening. There’s going to be an argument—or not. Or the dishes and mess in the kitchen will be promised to be cleaned by some imaginary cleaning persons. Probably not.

Take mom out for pancakes. Wait she’s on a gluten-free diet. Maybe she’d like to sleep-in. Maybe she’ll want to get a twenty-mile run in. But then remember, you just must cater to the older mothers in the family. If you don’t do that then—the party’s over. Someone may give you the cold shoulder. Perhaps hold the petty grudge for a week or a lifetime—whichever comes first. Oh, trust me. Women in general have these jealous feelings and within their family schematic they don’t usually hold back.

And if you’re not the mother of the other mothers or dads and you, ehhh hmmm ‘call-in’ sick for Mother’s Day. You will be called, gossiped about, condemned, or of course wondered about. You cannot miss Mother’s Day—when it’s someone else’s. Regardless, if you have babies and children at home yourself.

Then if you do get to sleep-in—pray-tell there’s the luncheon. Yes, in the noisiest cafĂ© one could have ever picked out. Because those mothers didn’t work a full-time job while raising children. Forget about the slightly peaceful day for you, mom. You just don’t rate that high when you’ve requested—some peace.

Actually for Mother’s Day, you did put in your order nearly a year ago for peace and quiet on next years’ Mother's Day. Oh well.

Or how about the cheaper, ‘not quite’ dinner time, but later than lunch time because a relative couldn’t get away for the eleven, noon or one in the afternoon lunch times at the local buffet. It could’ve been a soccer game. Or someone was more related to the planner. Or it could have been that someone thought that the three in the afternoon time on a Sunday would give them better service at a restaurant.  But remember there’s always a risk of food poisoning when eating out during a holiday. Only speaking from experience. Carry-on…

Also, Mother’s Day was the one day you decided to finally relax on that new couch at three in the afternoon and watch some sports. It was for that self-caring, half dozing in and out gathering some much-needed sleep time. Because you’re not just being a mom, or a house cleaner. No, you also work full-time as well as having a career on the side which you try to keep out of conversations.

Never mind cleaning the house with your spouse or tending to the hopefully well-managed vegetable garden every week. That’s so you can budget for your middle-income household—so perhaps some funds saved might go into one of your children’s 529 College fund. Hey, that’s why you don’t have those weekly food deliveries to your suburban home. It’s not in your budget and you shop around for quality and are nearly never home. Neither do you have a house cleaner, a gardener, nor a landscaper. And going out to eat was and is truly a treat—because it only happens every few months or so. Thank God you love to cook.

Your spouse and you have even given up several attempted ‘date nights’. They are now every six to eight months. After you go out to eat, you then go to the mall instead of the movies because you both need new underpants, and the children need more socks. Besides you’ll save money and time doing it this way. No distractions. And within forty minutes or less in the stores you’ve hit the jackpot of efficiency.

Too, you’re two adults who’ll meet back near the exit of the department store at the end of the lady’s lingerie and men’s cologne departments, before cashier number six. You know where you’re at. When you get home relieving the babysitter—the children will still be awake, and that’s okay because the family can watch a show at home together. And you still got a peaceful meal and shopping for your own underwear with few if any distractions.---Jody-Lynn Reicher


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