I Ponder Deeper

 

I Ponder Deeper

Throughout my life I have pondered many thoughts, about how I landed in this time— this place—this body. I’ve asked myself about what does this one view—sometimes broad view, matter to the world? Yes, those are the questions I ask nearly every day. More often now, I can add.

Nearly thirty-five years ago, I was working in publishing and my supervisor accused me of having no time to ponder. I laughed, “It happens when I run(swim, drive, etc…).”  She considered I was too busy—that was before I had children. It was before I was abducted. It was before much.

It was not before I knew how cruel life could be. That I’d understood. Yet, wondered why I needed to repeat the understanding of that. I knew it young. Younger than anyone should have to.

Repeatedly, I’ve asked myself, ‘who will remember my thoughts? Does it matter? Where is it stored in the abyss of life?’ If, it is necessary to be stored at all.

Everything I witness, I question the witnessing—the observation of.

Is it me that is witnessing this? Or is it mine to pray for? Especially when its out of my control. I have those answers. We have choices. I realize I cannot deny the witnessing. Too, the choice is I wish well, or I pray for what I cannot control. That is what I know.

As I dig deeper, the one thought that keeps occurring. Is the baton of my witnessing passed on to some being I’ve never met? Or the ones I’ve met? Yet, one thing I know is when I’m no longer in this vessel—is that it is over.

I don’t live for the ‘over’ part. I live for the possibilities that I may teach, correct, learn, show, care, inspire—perhaps more. But in all of that knowing, I find loss, misunderstanding, and a converse life.

I was told as a child that human beings are just animals with gray matter.  That we are all animals. The message was delivered in an unappreciative fashion. Because I have always believed there was more to humans—as well to the squirrels, deer, chipmunks, birds, and plants in our neighborhoods, and so forth.

There is something deeper to our existence. Each existence outside of the womb. That’s where I begin. Because before that, there is no primal conscious memory we bring forth. At least not in this earthly realm.

As a matter of fact, I will venture to say most of us if not all. Cannot remember life before the of ages two or even three. I remember when I was three. My oldest does too. Our soul remembers things that we cannot verbally conger up into this reality.

Nearly twenty years ago I had a question. I asked some clients, close friends, and acquaintances this question. It was about the soul of those individuals. And what convinced them to believe the way they did. Most people had quite similar answers.

Then a friend asked it of me. I stammered because I knew my answer was different from everyone else’s. My answer to that was because, I felt it. How? My guess is that I ponder deeper.---Jody-Lynn Reicher