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The Unbelonging



Years ago, as I worked on an elderly client in my office.  She stated, "You always think so deeply."  I replied, "It just happens. " She asked. "Isn't it tiring?" I remarked, "I never really thought about it that way."

Of late, I've come to terms rehashing the essence in which we live. It seems as though, I alone am connected.  Connected where? I can answer this, 'not where most of us are'
I feel more present than I witness in others in society.

The presence that I haven't witnessed, is one I feel and acknowledge. No one appears in my realm.  I witness some in too much anger,  having too much greed, entitlement to the degree they will skirt the lines and even step over into a criminal context. Looking nearly compliant as they do so.

As a matter of fact, I've been a witness to this practically all my life. This brings me to a feeling of not belonging.  Or as I have decided. I am part of something that has its own destiny, wherever that may be. There is no one there to receive my queries.  There will be no one to listen to me. Even if I listen to them. It won't matter. They may hear me, but still it won't matter. Because they aren't listening.

There is nothing anyone can pull me out of. I am independent and mostly self-sufficient.  I depend on my will, God's will and hopefully, some form of hope or good news displayed before me. I look for it, every day.  It could be the sky, the wind, a small tree growth in my lawn, that I marvel at.

I sound simple, but I'm complex. This all comes down to judgements being thrust without depth or forethought by those judging, what they think they are witnessing.
People will witness me running. Will hear that I'm working.  Will hear that I'm fighting.  They will wait stealthily watching the children I parent. 

Once they see I'm doing something they've never done nor attempted to do, they will judge. And they won't judge with an objective view.  They will judge loaded with their inequities.  So,  they need to make some of theirs appear that they are mine.  And this is so they can feel above me and anyone or anything I'm affiliated with.  They desire to condemn it. And they feel by condemning it, they condemn me and all that is associated with me.

I am the Unbelonging. There is nowhere I desire to be, in any crowd of our society.  I am the Unbelonging. I will work on what sets me free.  It will dampen other's inequity. I am the Unbelonging. They dance in their torture with glee. Their judgements define them not me. ---Jody-Lynn Reicher 

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