Responses have been from a gasp, to a drop of a folder,
nearly always a pause. Yes, I really hit the mark with ‘Winner’ queries. And
then an honest answer from them. And ergo the discussion time. I’ll apologize
now for holding up the other patients behind me, who just want to get in and
out. Most are afraid to be so honest with their physicians. It’s like it’s a waste
of time to them. To me, it’s science. Actually, it’s usually always about
science. It’s a way to make the allopathic and alternative medical fields
grapple with what they ‘think’ they know.
Over time, conversely, when I enter their treatment room they are the
ones asking the scientific and or ethical questions to me. They actually want me to opine. So, in turn,
I acquiesce.
Now going back to that day about eight years ago, as I sat
on her treatment table. I can see a frustration brewing from the physician I
call, “My Other Jewish Mother”. She is
Jewish for real. I’m a ‘shiksa’. She is not all that much older than I. She
beats me out in age by one year and five days. So, I’ll respect that. It’s not
her age obviously that grabs my respect. It’s her ‘out of the box’ openness and
honesty that grabs my attention. None of this straight-collar stuff. She just
comes out, graciously, yet sincerely and speaks her mind to me.
This one day, years ago, we begin to discuss marriage, sex,
and monogamy. When I trust someone immensely, I invite nearly all
conversations. The ethical question she had was, “Are we supposed to be married
just once? Live out our lives after marriage, having one sexual set of encounters
with just one person for the remainder of our earthly lives?” I can say, I was
not ready for that question. The planet I come from is old. Older than dirt.
Probably, older than dirt ever existed. I responded, “Wow. I never really
thought about that. But I really stink at intimate relationships. I guess I
just married the right person.” She continued, “I don’t think we are supposed
to be monogamous like that. I actually am beginning to believe it’s not
natural. My sister and I had this discussion. But you see she has a different relationship
with her spouse than I do. It’s more exciting.”
I was completely thrown. ‘Exciting?’ I thought. ‘My intimate
relationship and family life I desire total calm. I have had too many struggles
in family life. I work so hard to be agreeable. At least at home I don’t have
to deal with mindless hoards of people.’ She looked at my dumbfounded face. Well,
actually it was my face of discomfort. No, not pain. Subject matter. ‘What was
my Other Jewish Mother telling me? Sweet Jesus! I’m having a tough time being a
good spouse. Never mind an intimate partner. Let alone at the same time.’
On the outside I can juggle quite a bit. But on the inside
all the apples and oranges… Well, many have smashed on my proverbial floor at
the foot of my world. It’s that I hide the messes to the masses. I waited a
second or so, as she looked at me waiting for some form of answer of camaraderie
from me. “Well, I um. I’m just not that. Good God that’s too intimate. I can only
handle one intimate partner in my whole life.” She looked at me, as she were my
teenaged daughter saying, ‘Seriously?’ “Being married is complex. I mean like
the baggage other people have to put up with.”
She replied, “I mean sexually.” I responded, “Nah. Frankly, I could do
without it.” Talk about mind-blown, the look on her face was priceless. I
continued, “I just can’t see it. I’m not even there. Yet, it is a great
question. Nature versus what we think is ethical. So, you’re saying we are
animals. And like animals, most of them aren’t monogamous. But we are a
different species from what we consider as animals.”
This is brings me recently to having a conversation with
someone. Although far away in distance to me, we are tight. She many years my
junior, married now over sixteen years. In the relationship for nearly twenty.
She asked me how to handle her marital relationship. I replied, “In over
thirty-six years of marriage, Norm and I practically disagreed on everything.
Yep.” I think she nearly dropped her phone on the other side of the
conversation.
I continued, “Raising kids as well. I hate arguing. I also
felt he was way too stressed over the last years of his life from with work-related
stuff. That was before he got sick. I so wanted peace. And I recognized his
stress level to the point, he even questioned me years before we knew he was
sick. He’d ask, ‘You don’t have anything to say about that? Aren’t you going
to argue?’ I’d wag my head and reply, ‘No.’ He would wonder why. Why? Because I was trying to give him
longevity. I did all I could to keep his insides calm, that’s if I could. And
that was without knowing. Yet I sensed intuitively that his body couldn’t
handle anymore stress. And I wasn’t going to add to it. I realized one of us
had to survive to finish raising our daughters. And I thought it was him, not
me. I knew my birth defects. And my defects I’d built to overcome whatever I
was born with and into. He appeared to have none.”
She responded, “Wow. I would have never thought that.” I
replied, “You’re not the only one. But I’ll tell you something about marriage.
It’s about all the disagreements and getting along regardless of any opposition
the two of you may have to one another’s opinions. Because at the end of the
day, you got to get along with one person, besides yourself. That’s if you want
someone in your life. Disagreements and differences don’t matter. It’s on a
much bigger scale. You got to see it as a whole. It’s less messy that way. Life
is tough enough as it is. People will have aversions to doing something that
you feel is logical in your relationship to them for you. But they’re just not
ready for that or maybe you’re reading them incorrectly. Marriage is truly
about knowing someone deeply. Accepting things about them, even the ones you
don’t know. And seeing them as a whole person. Rolling with the things you
think you don’t like about them. And if you view it that way. You’ll reckon
with the work that needs to be done. It’s not about sex. It’s about personal
growth.” Do we grow complacent? No, we
grow loyal.---Jody-Lynn Reicher
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