I don’t know how many of you awaited the month of May
this year. But I know I did, and with grateful anticipation. There were many
reasons. One was the ability to plant what I had stratified indoors and
outdoors. Watching those items propagate and blossom into mini-trees. Planting
seeds in my newly extended garden. As well as watching the perennial vegetables
come back to life, once again.
The ability to shed my winter running attire, letting
my body get some sun, as a slow tan would begin to build as it does before
summer every year. One month closer to my oldest graduating high school. As I
know, senior year can be a draining year for most children as they anticipate
some freedom from the homes that they’ve know all their lives.
Another reason I’ve looked forward to the month of May
is the warmth of the sun, and warm rain that gives us respite from winter’s end
doldrums that may begin to occur by February 28th. At least in my mind and soul it does. I so
love to see the birth of new little maple trees in our lawn, surrounded by
yellow dafs. I watch the pregnant deer, along with the yearlings of last June’s
births. I marvel at it all. And I do wonder, if the rest of the world’s people
marvel at it like I do. Nature that is.
I recognize my non-eternity of mortality. If you’re me,
you wonder when this all ends… the witnessing of this life on this planet… What
then? How can you save the world? Or comment on its beauty? Or hopefully gain
gratefulness from afar? No one knows. It is the truth. But I can tell you about
the haunted… The haunted flows of what might have been, come May. The May’s of
many decades ago or now.
I ponder these thoughts only today, as I am conflicted
as to why I have been increasingly exhausted. It has been a long road to hoe
for many years for me. And yet, I still look forward to the month of May. But this May I am extra exhausted. This is
not a complaint, but yet a realization. It is that, this month is a culmination
of what may have been and what is not or no longer in existence. And there inly
my extra feeling of exhaustion today.
Over fifty years ago I learned of the two deaths of my
two brothers I’d never met. Every early May I began to be reminded by that,
from my Mother’s melancholy episodes which lay at the edge of each of her tortured
moments of her depressive bouts. I knew it was hers and not mine. It was her
pain not mine. Only mine to render compassion in her direction when most
needed. And that was a simple task for me. Because I know I am blessed with an
astounding amount of compassion. Which doesn’t make me special. It just makes
me grateful. And that too is a blessing.
So today, in my wonderment of understanding, ‘Why such
fatigue?’ I realized my life suddenly changed in the last seventeen months. It
was a drastic change, especially for me. And that the tip of the iceberg was in
acknowledging what would have been my thirty-seventh wedding anniversary on May
6th. So, now I remain wearing
my wedding band to acknowledge the loss, yet the gain in some spirit that knew who
I was for nearly forty years.
I ascertain there is always a logical explanation for
how we feel, how we move, how we react. It is something of nightly dinner table
discussions with my two daughters. I am
at the very least analytical. I am detailed in thought, as I question
everything. Currently, my two daughters may not comprehend the depth of my
thinking. Such as, ‘why would anyone go to any great lengths to think so
tortured, so deep?’ There is a logical reason. It is to comprehend why we do
what we do. It is to learn how to sit back and get out of our own way. This we need
in order to remain productive and keep evolving so society benefits in our
evolution.---Jody-Lynn Reicher
Comments
Post a Comment