The Higher Source
Everyday, no matter what I am constantly reminded that there
is a higher Source. The decisions I am left to make as a mere human being, are
not easy. Even with all my time in on this earth, a decision can be difficult. Even,
if I’ve already made one, no one would not know I have some doubt. Sure, I can
make it look easy and do it fast. I have done that and shocked, and stunned
people with what appears to be my own ability to decide.
My husband once remarked, “…You take whatever sticks on the
wall.” Then he’d shake his head in wonderment.
Yes, truly there is little delay in my decision-making. I go with my
gut, or rather at times on a wing and a prayer.
There are things I just know; but then they too change as do the Northeast
winds of March. And I find myself once again knowing that there are only
certain controls in my grasp in this life, here now.
At an early age I learned to play horror shows in my mind as
to prepare for what else, horror. Like things I can’t control that appear the
worst of miserable. Then I add the touch I hope for, coping calmly. Remaining
stoic because, that is what I have been convinced is the best option. Staying
private on many things, even happy ones I’ve learned to be quiet. I’m less
celebratory on close personal things whereas I witness my peers, relatives and
others are not. As well, I try and keep the balance to the other side of
heartache. I reason, ‘everyone hurts. No one likes to hear negatives’. Many
negatives cannot be resolved without time, patience and perhaps without
positive thoughts and the mindfulness of praying.
So, as I ebb and flow with decision making every day, I have
been told by some that I appear to be undisturbed by events, decisions, etc… At least that is what appears on the outside
most of the time. What people are witnessing is not just practice, discipline
or acceptance. It is my reliance on the higher Source. And alone I may be that
is of this earth and its air. Yet spiritually deep I am not. ---Jody-Lynn