Skip to main content

Abandonment to Adaptation...his preliminary diagnosis what we can teach others a year later.

                     


                                 

                                              

Part One… a year after his first preliminary diagnosis…what I gained.

So, this I knew the answer...
I knew my answer... for me on November 23rd, 2019. However, not theirs’...the children.
The question was, how were the children going to mourn another loss?  They never knew their biological parents...so now what? One of another set of parents was dying right before their eyes...

Recently, I explained this double to quadruple abandonment phenomena to a friend in the medical field and a couple relatives over phone conversations.  To some, it was to help them understand what their children were going through in this time of COVID when parents get divorced, move to a new town, and the like. Currently, there truly has been more of a hindrance because of COVID.


Parents must learn this.  Even parents of young adults in college. Very few young adults understand fully the ramifications of various forms of abandonment, and their effects on them and others. I’ve spoken with enough well-educated parents who were unaware of why their child may be acting out, appearing overly distracted when that was not an apparent problem before. It is due to how their world and ours has drastically changed. From what we perceived to be some certainty to almost none at all. Or perhaps, the certainty of struggle when the old struggles are replaced with others raising the bar on compartmentalizing, distinguishing action reaction, old lonely feelings to new.

My father-in-law Herbie used to say, "Stress, you can't live with it. You can't live without it."  I concur, truly stress can and will kill you. However, if you learn to adapt with each stressor, it may become and quite often can become the secret to your success. I'm no pro at this. Yet, others have inquired of me. My answer from reading books on abandonment before my husband and I adopted our first child, along with observations of our two daughters over time. What rang true, was that children want to know who they can trust.  Children want to know, ‘Will we still love them’? Are they loveable? Or, will we parents just leave with either little or no warning?

 For adopted babies it is what is considered a, ‘primal wound’. As such, there is a book by that name. The wound runs deep in the child’s mind/soul. And I will venture to say, this too happens with children who’ve not been through adoption, yet one of their parents has died before they reach full physiological and psychological maturity in their twenties. Divorce too can do this, depending on the age of the child. The child themselves will most likely be unable to differentiate why they feel an abandonment, a feeling of betrayal. Or, perhaps why they did something out of the ordinary for them.

Twenty years ago, Tom Fleming my running coach who had dubbed me "The Rainman" in 1995, then five years later in the summer of 2000, he dubbed me "The Chameleon". Reason being, was I was willing myself to overcome nerve damage in my right leg since an incident in 1991. I refused to quit. When everyone thought I was down, I was up. Or so it seemed. I fake adaptation till I achieve it.  That is what I do. I started this game as a child. I knew I was always down... physically that is... as well as learning disabilities... yet, I have my mind, my soul and life sprinkled with a knowing of my higher Source. That's where mine began.

 By age seven to eight I began to see the unfolding of how parents could NOT be there for a child. Once the child left the home to go play, go to school, you were now at the beck and call of the world's effects. How you handled them, meant your survival. The line I pressured into our two daughters early was, "If I can't see you, I can't save you."  I asked a friend who was in law enforcement way back about that saying.  He concurred it was true and should be said to children out and about. As much of seemingly a downer as the thought of betrayal goes with that above saying. Conversely, knowing the truth early may mean your and your child’s survival.  The other control we may have as parents is reversing negative thoughts, positive thoughts with prayer, and maintaining knowing your environment. And that takes work. It takes daily, sometimes hourly practice in some days. ---Jody-Lynn Reicher

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Completion of Humanness

Completion of Humanness As we arrive to the completion of the first year without Norman, I had decided long before he'd passed that I would continue to do things certain things he liked yet could no longer do. I decided I would not take a day off of fitness.  I would run at least for 500 days in a row. I began that in early 2020.  I'd not be concerned with the distance I'd run. It was the very thing I convinced Norman and the thing that mattered to him, from the very first discussion we had August 11th, 1981, was fitness. I loved that he was a College Boy. He loved that I was a Marine. We tickled each other's soul with such admirations. Later fitness continued as an old discussion from 1994 ...getting outside and to run no matter what. I would say to him, "Run 200 meters, then 400 meters. If it doesn't feel good, stop. Turn around and walk back home and know you did your best. That is all you can ask of yourself." I said this,  knowing he would get dow

Reicher's 2021 Holiday Letter

  11/23/2021... The Reicher Holiday Letter... Yes, finally I'm on time...LOL. As the late November wind whips and the delayed leaves fall to the ground in our neighborhood, I await the first sign of snow. I stand outside, begin a run, do outside chores, bring in the mail and sniff the air for the smell of snow. Yes, humans can smell snow. Just like a spring rain approaching. It is awaiting to provide a cleansing of the dreams that need to be refreshed or re-routed. It’s all how you look at it. Really. Oh, the word ‘really’.   Per a few grammar writing geeks. A good writer is not supposed to use the word, ‘really’. I’ll say it again. Really? There is another word I discovered this year, not supposed to be used in writing by writers. I cannot at this moment remember what word that may be.   But I’m sure, it’ll arrive in my mind as I write this Holiday letter to you all. A reading audience. Where to begin this 2021 Reicher Holiday Letter? I’ll start with our smallest resident. T

Owed to a Valentine

What is Love? It's not owed. It's sometimes placated to or for or with. It remains quiet in storms, so that a bit of peace cannot be shattered. It may be that the insides of the other are fought against with it's own ego. In Love, true Love, ego is placed aside, because it's about we. It's about us... All of us. Us in all our entirety. We step back, gathering the view of possibilities.  It's as if we stand atop a mountain seeing the ridges having no end only to meet the sea of sky. That's Love. The willingness to gather all sorrows, all thoughts, all creation and say, "Wow!"  Wow, with glee. At that point, nothing else matters. After a loss of someone whom you loved. As well, if they were part of the essence of your living space, there will be things discovered.  More quiet, less grappling with decisions,  because perhaps they are all yours now. More doing, because in a full Love relationship you share 'stuff'. Stuff like chores. If yo