Life is Short…
“You just have so much energy…” Throughout my life, I’ve had people blame my apparent youth, youthful attitude, ‘luck’, etc… As to them witnessing what they think is my high energy. They think I’ve been bestowed this special gift. They feel that they deserve to have it as well. Coming towards the end of my sixth decade of living in this vessel called a human being. As well, the other day someone just passed that aforementioned remark to me.
My husband, a tad older than I, still wags his head with stuff I do. Yet, he hears me ask him, “Why am I tired?” Very few people hear me say that. I despise that word. Oh, that word… More on that later.
I’ve been accused of “…you must be on drugs”. Due to my apparent high-energy level when in my twenties. I don’t take an ibuprofen without calling my internist. Yep. I have a sensitivity to most medicines, synthetics, etc… I can’t aspirin. I can’t take acetaminophen. I can’t be near eugenol. Highly allergic to that. Oh that. It’s used regularly by dentists. Yep. I go into a dental office; I become ill before the next day, every time. Actually I become so ill, that one time I went from weighing one hundred three pounds down to ninety-four pounds in twenty hours or less time. It’s like what kryptonite is to Superman.
I had a client who was in the medical field. She wished I had a child that was lethargic, to cut back on my energy level. That didn’t happen. Both our daughters are high energy kids. Or they appear that way.
I had people suggest I had an easy life. Well, I’ve been born in the United States, so that’s lucky. I was born Caucasian, so that’s lucky. I have no ethnic look that’s apparent, that could be lucky. I can hide well, because I’m small. That’s lucky. However, my husband has suggested the Marine Corps bootcamp I went through before he and I met was ‘Kindergarten’ compared to my childhood, never mind the rest of my life.
In the past my husband has called me ‘Job’. Need I say more. Or as a line in Rocky II is said by Rocky’s brother-in-law to be, Paulie. As Paulie sees Rocky’s face all bandaged up, and Rocky lays in a hospital bed after a fight. Paulie visiting Rocky’s hospital room after he comes out of surgery. Paulie remarks, “I wouldn’t want any.” Paulie sees the destruction without looking under the bandages and knows Rocky’s plight of being a professional boxer, not only isn’t a pretty one. Yet, it isn’t such an easy one either.
People who really know me have said that to me. When they find out who I really am, their envy of my apparent energy abundance, diminishes. Few remain wanting to be me. The superficial ones that remain envious are usually the God-less. They lack faith in their own abilities. Too busy ‘looking over the fence’, as my mother would have pointed out to anyone within earshot.
So, my appearance of being ‘high-energy’; is not what it seems. The secret is, since I can remember. I will say, just before I was age four. I heard over and over and over again, my Dad complaining about how life was short. You know what that does to a child, so young? Especially, children who see their parent’s flaws. Yet, out of respect the child says nothing till they’re in their forties. And even then, the return volley to the parent is delivered delicately.
It tells that child developing, ‘don’t waste…time’. The flaws I saw from the man stating that ‘Life was Short’, were: smoking, doing drugs, drinking alcohol excessively, eating bad foods. As well it was implied to not be lazy or what was seen as lazy. When you are told that ‘Life is Short’, you’re sent the message to use up every dime of energy you’ve been bestowed. Every opportunity. Use it. Always be employable. Even when you’re held in high regard at a job, work as though you need to be re-interviewed every day that you go into that job. You’re expendable, no matter who you are or what your job may be. And there are NO excuses, for not performing tip top every day. That’s a lot of pressure put on a child, I’d say. At the same time, if my mother, who was more laid back heard you arguing with your brother. Her comment was, “Idleness is the Devil’s workshop.”
So, with those two thoughts of NOT arguing. NOT to throw away any time without doing something productive. That may explain the appearance of high-energy within another human being, subjected to such ideologies at a young age. My response has been that I’m not allowed to say I’m tired. If you did say that in front of my Dad, he would shame you. And convince you, that by saying that, that you were lazy. “Not worth your salt.” He’d remark.
So, with that, ergo my appearance of energy. It is that fear of appearing lazy, ungrateful, selfish, unemployable, sickly, dying, old, etc… Not worth anyone’s time. It’s about shame. It’s about bullying from a man who did things his way to feel better than others.
However, the one thing I’ve done most my life. It is now some see it because of social media. Is I take in every day. I look out the window. I drive mostly without any news or music playing. If the music is playing, I’m singing with no one to hear, because it feels good. I daydream when I run, drive, shop, lay in bed before shuteye. I stop and listen to nature as much as I can. I spend extra time with my clients, yet charge the same as if two hours were one.
I’ve been fascinated by nearly every storm, every ounce of weather. Every little animal in our yard is quite often appreciated. Every weed, every flower most of the time interests me. My energy is not there a lot of the times. I just make believe it is. I attempt to find something to be grateful for in every hour of darkness. In my most darkest of times, I act as though there’s something great I just haven’t witnessed yet. When I can’t, I force myself to move or to write or to pray to regain an ounce of gratefulness.---Jody-Lynn Reicher