Somewhere There Is Peace…
Recently, I was
speaking to my husband one quiet morning in bed, before we got ready for our day.
It’s funny how you are with someone over thirty-eight years (married over thirty-five
of them); that they never really knew all the experiences that you had.
The topic was loneliness. I began, “Did I
ever tell you about when my Mom was really going downhill, when I was a kid?”
He thought
for a second, “No.”
I replied, “Well,
I was about eleven years old. And I knew
she tried to commit suicide three times before I was born.”
Hubby, “Whoa.”
Me, “Yeah. She
told me why. But I knew other things. It’s not that she’d forgotten to tell me, it
was that she realized I was coming of age.
She didn’t know if she’d be there for me. So, as a form of protection, she let me know
what not to get so upset over. As well, not to ‘sin’ over.” I continued, “But you see I already
understood this, but I didn’t know why.”
[Flash back to November
1973]
My Mom had
replied on that day in the rain, walking
down a muddy
road after mass, “I should have named
you Hope. How
can you have Faith for you and I?” She queried.
“Because I have to. It’s what I do.” I remarked.
What my mother didn’t know was, I
feared her losing her life, from losing her Hope, her Faith. That was one of
the reasons, especially in high school that I never wanted to go to school. I
feared if I left her, I would be responsible for her death. At the same time
from ages eleven through thirteen I was tortured by the kids at our local K-8th
grade school. Everyday was an incident. And every day I prayed on my walks to and
from school. Asking God to take away my
anger. I wanted to be better, not
bitter. That was my goal. To be nobler.
To hold to a higher standard. And as a private joke to myself I’d recite
the 1979 Hebrew National Hot Dog television commercial to myself as I was in my
late teens and even sometimes to this day. ‘I answer to an even Higher Authority,’
that’s why.”
I went on to name some of the incidents and
daily happenings of those three years of junior high school to my husband, a High
School Teacher himself. I continued, “The teachers did nothing. Things went on
the hallways at times, and in the classrooms as well. Nothing was done about
it. As I walked home, I would pray my
Dad would not be volatile. And I prayed
my Mother would be alive. When I’d arrived, Dad wasn’t home yet, and my Mother
was alive. I was grateful, because it
was what I needed, and I knew so. You
ready for another one Honey?” I inquired.
He replied, “Wow! I did not know that.”
I responded, “Yeah. I haven’t told hardly
anyone that about my Mom. You know. I figure everybody’s got something. So, you see I was alone, but I had God. Knowing
how to be alone, helps the loneliness.
Because we are with spirit. And
it’s not that it’s painless. It’s just
that it’s easier to understand. And you
gain the affirmation that, what’s right in front of you right here right now,
is not all there is. There’s more.
Somewhere there is peace. Remember when I got MORDT?” I inquired.
“Hmmm.” He stayed still and silent.
I began, “You know it took my all to leave
you and know I may never make it back.
But I took an oath before we were married. So, I realized like leaving my Mom and little
sister that I couldn’t fix everything. I
realized I could not control most things in life. But yet, I had to hold up a
promise to our government. So, I knew it was the right thing to do. Small potatoes, but okay with my soul.”
As we reflected on loneliness and I rattled
off a number of situations, many of them he’d not remembered or I hadn’t told
him. Many were just like the ones written about on the above lines here. He
began to understand that I know I do things. However, I have nothing, I am
nothing. Yet, I reside in this vessel,
on this earth here now.---Jody-Lynn Reicher
Wow... What a story... xo
ReplyDeleteThank you.
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